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Advice for men: Weld It Shut

zip itWhen males turn 12 or 13, and their hormones are raging, I suggest the zipper on their pants be welded shut. This will save them untold misery, loss of money and possibly even prison time.

The daily news is enough to make sane people cry. There is little we can do about the terrorist situation in the world, crooked politicians, and losing football teams, but one way to lower the crime rate and bring back a sense of decency in the world would be to have men weld the zipper shut on their pants. Let me explain.

Last week, John Besh, a famous chef, decided to throw his career inJohn Besh the trash, by unzipping his drawers. He’s lost money, endorsements, and possibly his marriage and family because or raging hormones. Guess he’s been chopped.

Then there is Harvey Weinstein, enough said about him.

tiger woodsTiger Woods lost millions of dollars in endorsements when he let his zipper have its way.

And then there is Anthony Weiner who not only unzips it, he posts photos. Yikes! I give the man a pass, a very small pass for some of his behavior, because I am sure he’s suffered with years of bullying and embarrassment because of his last name.  So, change it. Kevin Spacey

And now a favorite actor of mine, Kevin Spacey, is in trouble.

Bill clintonAnd of course this list would not be close to complete without adding the alpha male of unzipped pants, President Clinton, who asked us to define what does  “is” mean when it comes to sexual misconduct.

Have none of these men heard of fidelity to their spouse or that “NO means no”? And just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

How many men are in prison for sexual crimes because they could not keep it zipped?

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'

Let me give men a word of advice. If a woman dumps you, consider yourself lucky. You have probably been spared years of nagging, quarrels, and misery. There are far more female fish in the sea than males, so move on. Get over it.

This dumping advice applies to women too. While we do not have an abundance of male fish in the sea, being alone is far better than living with a barracuda.

As for men in power, get a grip on your zipper. A position of power does not allow you to run rough shod over other men and women.

I told my son when he was a mere 15 years old, “Don’t let 15 minutes of the hots  ruin your life. You will not die if you can’t have sex the minute you want it, your male organs will not explode and fall off your body. Go ahead, be wild, care free, and don’t use protection, but you will pay for it later.

Must have been good advice. He has been an adult for many years and there has yet to be a hint of scandal associated with his name. The same is true for many other men too.

shame cartoon

For my male readers, next time before you unzip, ask yourself this. “Would I want my actions reported on national TV, on the front page of the National Enquirer, or  have my best friends and family see me now? Is it worth a divorce, scandal, and possible prison time?

If the answer if NO, then weld it shut.

 

cheater

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Southern Street Rules

shirtless-manTragically murder occurs all to often where I live, the greater New Orleans metro area.  A recent murder involved words and threats before a gun was used. In the threat phase one man ripped off his shirt and prepared to fight. However, after the shooter killed a man, and  the shirtless man heard the shooter say, “Where’s that other guy?” In response, the shirtless man hailed a cab and went home, leaving his wife at the scene of the crime. (I’m not making this up.)

Ripping your shirt off before a  fight was unknown behavior to me street-fightingand the Sicilian, but this might explain why TV newsmen at crime scenes here often talk to shirtless men. Why do I relate this incident, because despite his grey curls, the Sicilian would fight to defend me, his dog our home, and the street in front of our house.  By fighting I don’t mean a civil law suit, I mean physical fisticuffs. Needless to say, I do not agree with this method. Currently the Sicilian has someone “breathing his air” that irks him.  I remind him, “You know nothing about fighting. You had no idea you had to remove your shirt first. Who knows what other rules of street fighting etiquette you might break rushing off have cocked.”  So far this has worked.

street-sign-20Another quirk in this city is people claiming to own the public streets. Before living here, I’d never seen people  rope off the street in front of their house and charge people to park on the public street. This is a common practice here for homeowners living near a Mardi Gras parade route, Jazzfest, or other high traffic events.  The going price is  $20 to park on a public  residential street. I shake my head and pay the price. It’s either that or park 6 miles from the event.

The Sicilian too believes that the public street in front of our home is HIS private propertybutter-knife-2 and no one should park there unless they are a guest in our home.  Years ago (before I was his spouse) I was told the Sicilian became enraged over a car parked in front of his house. He grabbed a knife from a kitchen drawer and prepared to slash the car’s tires. His tirade was brought to a humorous halt when it was brought to his attention he was holding a butter knife.  So far that has not happened her, but I am not holding my breath.

 

car-with-ticket-2And now we have a neighbor with  this same parking fixation. No one should park on the public street.  He is currently posting brightly colored messages on cars parked on any of our   neighborhood streets telling them to park in their driveway.

For sixteen years this Yankee has lived in the Deep South, and I’ve yet to figure out their qutruth-strangerirks.  This might explain why so many successful fiction writers  have lived in the South. After all, truth is stranger than fiction.