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Famous Last Words

When I was young,(shortly after the dinosaurs became extinct), the only witnesses to  your stupid actions were right there with you, egging you on. Now, with the advent of a cell phone in every hand, your stupid behavior can be posted world wide within seconds on Facebook, U tube, Twitter, Snapchat, Instangram or the nightly national news.

Below are a list of a few words that have been uttered shortly before the shit hits the fan and the incident goes viral.

  • Hold my beer and watch this.watch me
  • weird machineStand back, I don’t know how this thing works.
  • This isn’t going to hurt.
  • Doctor to patient: There might be a little discomfort
  • Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.
  • Any idiot can do this.plumbing problem
  • Who told you that this was impossible to do. Watch me!
  • Nothing to it. You just connect these two wires and …
  • I can fix it. I read how to do it on the internet.
  • Come on try it.
  • screw driverGive me a screw driver. I can fix that in a jiffy.
  • What could possibly go wrong?
  • I refuse to pay good money to have it fixed when I can do this myself.
  • Just add a little more air. I don’t think it will explode.kaboom
  • That’s never happened before.
  • Who cares? Just do it.

arrested

  • Maybe we ought to ask permission first.
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The Right Movie, per the Sicilian

penny-serenadeThee Sicilian and I sometimes agree on a movie, but not always.  A few nights ago I selected an old movie for us to watch, Penny Serenade (1941) starring Cary Grant and Irene Dunne. The movie started slowly, as Irene Dunne reflects on why she wants a divorce.
The Sicilian did not sigh, his normal reaction to something that he considers a monumental bore, instead he said, “I don’t suppose there is going to be any killing in this movie.”
“A movie doesn’t have to have murder and mayhem to be good,” I replied.
A few minutes later the movie took on a dramatic tone, and the Sicilian seemed to be enjoying it, then came a 10-minutes bit about giving a baby a bath.  The Sicilian’s reaction, “I didn’t know this was going to be a comedy.”
I must admit the baby bath scene too long, and not funny by 2017 standards. Again the movie became dramatic and it was soon obvious that the young child in the movie washitler-and-aliens going to die.
The Sicilian said, “I never should have watched this movie. That little girl is going to die. It’s not right. I should have watched something about Hilter or  UFOs.”
“It’s only a movie,” I said.
At the end of his movie he said, “Their child just died and five days later they’re adopting another child.  They didn’t even take time to grieve, I don’t like this movie. I never should have watched it. Tomorrow I pick the movie.”
shaneSo what is the Sicilian’s idea of a good movie.  His all time favorites are two old westerns, Shane, which won the academy Award for Best Picture in 1954, and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962.). Any movie we have seen in the 17 years we’ve been married has never reached this bench mark.  I’ve heard the line “Come back Shane. Mother wants you,” from the lips of the Sicilian more times than I can count.
I have however taken him to some of the worst movies he has everla-la-land seen. The most recent being La La Land which may win the Best Picture this year.  I have to agree, the actors were horrible, could neither sing or dance, but I liked the premise. His comment, “Horrible. You owe me three beers for sitting through this.”
His all time worse movie, which he saw with someone  else is Bridges over Madison County. He recommends this for insomniacs.  He ranks it as the number 1 boring movie in the history of the universe. Terrible.
birdmanAnd then there is Birdman,  Best Picture in 2014. His description: stupid, crazy, made no sense.
The only good thing about the new movies we see now, we view them in a theater that has huge chairs, serves a variety of food and adult beverages. This way I can start buying the 3 beers I’ll owe him  before the movie is over.

 

The Curse Strengths

Part of a having a good marriage means suffering when your spouse is suffering or at least making an effort to show you care. There is one exception to this advice.

witch curseCRAZY WOMAN’S PROVERB: An uncursed spouse  should step away from the cursed partner less the curse be inflicted or transferred to you.

On Thursday, after plenty of griping, the Sicilian set off to New Orleans at 7:30 a.m. for jury duty.

While he was gone, I dumped the various jars and banks in our house we had  filled with loose change into a small beer cooler and lugged it to the bank to be counted. On the teller’s counter was a sign reading, “You may be contacted after your transaction to discuss our customer service. We hope you are 100% satisfied.”

I hoisted the cooler onto the counter, and you can guess her response. “We don’t count coins. If you wrap the coins, we will take them.”

So much for 100% satisfaction. I lugged the cooler, along with a fistful or wrappers home. Two hours later I had wrapped more than $150 in coins.

broken windowI was contemplating how the Sicilian and I could celebrate with the money when he arrived home and said, “I took a rock  on the back passenger window of my car going to that stupid jury. Window is completely shot.  I’m cursed.  First the jury, and now this.”

So much for celebrating.  I called a nearby  body shop and was informed they did not install windows. I was referred to a local glass company.  The clerk there told me,  “We can’t get that window. See if you can buy one on the internet, and if you do, we will install it for $75.”

I’m thinking, why can’t you buy one on the internet for me and then install it? But that was not option.

Our short-term solution: Go to the Barley Oak, a great draught house about 5 miles from our home that has 47 beers on tap, and another 50 varieties in bottles or cans. After a few adult beverages, and some great German snacks, the window was forgotten, until today.

After numerous searches on the internet, I had no choice but to order the window from Honda, which of course has the window  on backorder. Cost:  $250, and this does NOT include installation, which, you guessed it, they do not install windows.  Sheesh, talk about a niche market. I hope the installer I called will not tell me later they only install windshields, not side windows.

cardboard window

Since we need two cars, without cutting myself, I removed the shattered glass  which exploded around me like sharp hailstones and replaced it with a redneck safety window, guaranteed to make you your car look like a junker.

The Sicilian said, “I’ll look like a real babbeo (Italian for idiot or fool) driving around now.”

“So what. You’re cursed. What do you expect.”