Garden Algebra

yalebra-gardenSince age 6, I have worked in a vegetable garden each summer, with the exception of the four years when I attended college. The years I lived in Nebraska and Colorado, I never had a crop failure, except for one year when I never picked any fresh peas, because rabbits ate them all before I could pick them. I had bountiful tomato crops, so many I made tomato sauce and salsa. I froze beans, prepared eggplant in new unheard of ways, enjoyed raspberries and strawberries, and fresh lettuce. I was proud of my skill; considered myself a master gardener, and then I moved to south Louisiana.

My years of gardening expertise are useless here. For 15 years, I have less than successful gardens. I’ve reduced my gardening experience to several formulas.

  1. $Y = money spent on seeds and plants
  2. X = unknown factor
  3. I = Insects
  4. P =  Pain inflicted by insects on me
  5. D = destruction of plants by insects
  6. $RX -money spent on insect repellents and anti-itch medicine
  7. T = time

My best years have been:  $y + X +T = 1
My worst years have been: 3$Y + 4X + T + 3I = 0 + 3P + $RX.
Most years are: $2Y + 2X + 2DI + 3PI +T =  -0 + 3$RX   Yes, it is possible to have less than 0 produce. I ought to know, it has happened to me several times.

These equations have endless permutations and combinations. (All you math geeks don’t need to write and tell me that what I am proposing is impossible, because my gardens are living proof there is an infinite number of ways my garden can fail despite my efforts.)

floodOne year X was 19 inches of rain in one week which caused my entire tomato crop to swell and burst, as the plants died of soggy roots.

Another year X was a germination rate of about 1%, this after planting 3 packages of beans. With the money I spent on seeds could have bought a bushel of green beans at the farmers market from someone having better luck than I.

bugs-xed-outEvery year bugs are an issue. Sometimes they attack the plants, other time I’m the hapless victim. Currently I’m doped up on Benedryl trying to recover from an attack of fire ants. I read on the Internet that these stinging, biting ants were imported in the US in the 1930s. I must ask why, and where are they indigenous? bug-sprayingI’m ready to send them back to whatever level of hell they came from. (I do not expect the ants to pay for their return trip, I’ll be more than happy to buy them a one-way ticket.) My yard should be registered with the EPA, and still these demons continue to build 12 inch high mounds overnight.

This year 50% of my apple crop was eaten by the raccoons. Okay, I only had two apples on my tree, but it sounds better to say 50% was destroyed by raccoons. The other 50% succumbed to worms.

okraThis years crop was: 6 warty eggplants, a dozen small tomatoes,( I did not plant cherry tomatoes) scraggly bean plants, and vulgar pale okra pods. I know okra needs to be picked daily, but with few blooms, there was nothing to pick. Yesterday the Sicilian picked our entire okra crop. He made obscene gestures with the pods. I told him where to put them: in the garbage.

Friday I am attending an LSU one-day conference titled September, the Second Spring, where experts will explain what to plant in your winter garden.  Great, now I can have crop failure twice a year.


6 thoughts on “Garden Algebra


    Happy to see you have returned from the Northeast adventure trek Trying to see the glass as being half full, the positive side of the gardening skills is ….”it can only improve”.


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